Cursed: 2001 Dodge Ram 3500 Van

Unlike everything else posted on these pages, this next feature is a car that you don’t want to own, but I’m going to post it because the description is priceless.  The short version is that the van is likely cursed and has crashed into multiple objects, including a John Deere tractor, and a loaner vehicle — just read the ad for yourself. Find this 2001 Dodge Ram 3500 Van offered for $750 in Keysville, VA via craigslist.

In case the ad goes away, here is the entire description:

First things first. This van is cursed. Please, oh please take it away
from my house before it kills me. Secondly, the mileage listed above is
wrong. Read on, dear buyer, and find out why.

I bought this van for our delivery drivers to deliver newspapers in.
Since the driver’s had no ownership in the van, they didn’t care what
happened to it. First, a yellow scrape appeared on the passenger side.
These things happen, they say. Then it backed into a little old lady in a
PT Cruiser. Nearly totaled her car and literally didn’t scratch the
unbelievably sturdy bumper on the back of this nightmare. “I didn’t see
her back there,” they say. “That’s why I left and the police called you
asking about a hit and run involving your truck,” they say.

For a little while after that, things were fine. According to the VIN,
this is equipped with the 5.2 liter V8 making dizzying amounts of power
and torque. Dizzyingly low, but dizzying all the same. 225hp at 4400rpm
and 295ftlbs at 3200rpm, if you were wondering. Still, it has enough get
up and go to get out of its own way and run over little old lady’s PT
Cruisers without any problems.

Then I got a phone call.

Employee: “Um, bossman? I need you to come out to RoadName.”

Me: “Oh, what’s up?”

E: “I, uh, hit something.”

So I figure he’s hit another PT Cruiser, no big deal. Not a fan of their styling anyway.

I get there and he’s rear-ended an EIGHT HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLAR JOHN
DEERE TRACTOR THAT IS LITERALLY 15 FEET WIDE. HOW A TRACTOR SNUCK OUT IN
THE ROAD IN FRONT OF YOU IS A MYSTERY I’LL TAKE TO MY GRAVE. YOU COULD
HAVE FLIPPED THE VAN INTO A PARKING LOT OF RARE NASH METROPOLITANS AND
NOT HIT 50 THINGS TOTALING THAT KIND OF MONEY.

The tractor drove away with some minor damage that the kindly farmer
decided to fix himself. The van has never moved under its own power
again. We towed it to our friend’s shop where it sat for a few months
while I secretly hoped that my friend would burn it or file an abandoned
vehicle title and take it from me before it killed again, but no. He
called and asked me to come get it.

I called another friend and he came over with his rollback wrecker and
towed it the hour to my office. When he got there, he came inside and
said: “The van just rolled into your car.” “Get out of here, you
hilarious jokester,” I said.

“No,” he says, “The thing up and rolled off the truck and rolled into your car. Did you just get a new car?”

“No,” I said. “That would be the loaner vehicle from the dealership while they’re changing my oil.”

TEN AND A HALF THOUSAND DOLLARS OF DAMAGE to the dealership’s car. The demon-van? Not a scratch.

If you’re keeping score, that’s assault of one yellow pole, hit and run
on at least one PT Cruiser, aggravated assault of a gigantic John Deere
and attempted murder of a dealership’s car with about 2000 miles on it.

I don’t want this van in my life anymore. I am sure there are some
useful things you could do with it. Like burn it at the stake. Or store
old tires in it. Or live in it down by the river. I don’t care. Just
take it away. I bet this thing would beat everything at the local
demolition derby, as long as you back into everyone and there aren’t any
John Deere’s competing.

In all seriousness, I *believe* it would try and kill again, I mean run
again if someone pulled the radiator out of the engine, replaced the
belt driven fan and the C-shaped radiator. I am not willing to try. I am
terrified that it will at some point succeed in either killing me or
causing me to kill myself. I would haul it to the scrapyard, where
they’d pay me a few hundred dollars and then crush it, but I’m scared to
move it.

Also, when I went by to take pictures today, the front seats are gone. I
don’t know where they went. Maybe, if you’re lucky, that was the cursed
portion of the van and everything will be fine. The mileage listed
(157,896) is incorrect, since the odometer requires that I put a battery
in the truck and the only way I can be sure that it won’t come after me
is if the wheels are chocked and the battery is dead. If that matters
to you, I will risk my life and sanity to find out what the actual
mileage is.

Pros:

Really sturdy rear bumper.

Lots of space inside, especially now that the front seats are gone. I’ll throw in a five-gallon bucket to sit on if you want.

Lots of windows for not seeing PT Cruisers out of.

Spacious front windshield for not seeing John Deere’s out of.

Rare long wheelbase model, what for hitting poles with.

35-gallon fuel tank. There may even be gas left in it.

Sold new for $26,365.

According to dodgeforum.com’s VIN decoder, it was manufactured in Canada. Who knew.

Fairly new tires with good tread.

Cons:

Will try to kill everything you love.

Edit to add: I listed this on an auction site and they were kind enough
to provide a vehicle report detailing the history of this vehicle. In
short, its previous owners before me have had just as much misery as I
have. It’s been wrecked, sold, used in a rental fleet, repossessed and
sold at auction at least twice.

Fine print: This van is sold as is, where is, and how is. You are
responsible for moving it. I don’t know how. It fits on a rollback if by
fits you mean hangs over the rear of the truck far enough to need an
escort vehicle blocking traffic. There is no guarantee, no warranty, and
no promises expressed or implied. I also cannot promise I won’t laugh
hysterically as you leave, dragging this demon infested, life-ruining
piece of Manitoba engineering out of my world forever.