Coffee Brake: Virtual Cars & Coffee with Gianni and K2

Today’s Coffee Brake is a guess post by Gianni & K2 Mystery Car…take it away boys:  The sun had just begun to warm the Spring air when Gianni and K2 sat down to breakfast at the diner. Both of their wives were sick and tired about hearing about cars, so they’d sent their husbands off to get it out of their systems on this beautiful Saturday morning.  Gianni’s 1991 Mariner Blue and K2’s 1996 Montego Blue Mica Miatas were still ticking as they cooled down from a canyon run when the waitress brought the food; waffles for Gianni and an omelet for K2.

“More coffee boys?” she said. They both nodded enthusiastically; “Be back to check on you two in bit. Just holler if you need anything.” They tore into their food like a couple of hungry wolves.

“So G, which of the new cars made in the past 5 years do you think will be looked back upon as a low in design? My first vote would be for the Buick Enclave. Every time I see one on the street I think to myself that it’s an unfortunate reflection on American obesity. On top of that, it appears to be poorly mimicking designs from Renault–Nissan,” prompted K2.

“Yeah K2, that one is pretty ugly, but it doesn’t have anything on the Infiniti QX80.  From its hideously enormous grill, to the fake portholes on the side, to the awkward rear end, it hit every branch on the way down from falling out of the ugly tree.  It shouts I have money, or at least I want you to think I do, I’m barely making the lease payments, but I have no taste.”

“Ha! Funny that both of the cars we chose first have those ridiculous fake portholes. Weren’t you and I just talking the other day about how all of those QX80s seem to be driven by painfully overly-tan, middle-aged women wearing yoga pants? Not that there’s anything wrong with that. The thing that really bugs me about the QX is the measurement from the top of the headlight to the top of the hood; it’s immense,” added K2.

He continued; “I know you love your ’05 MINI Cooper S but you’ve mentioned several times that you’re not pleased with what BMW chose to do with the newer designs. I’m guessing you’re specifically thinking of the Countryman, in particular. To tell you the truth and maybe it’s merely just because of the newness factor, I don’t find it nearly as visually distressing as the FIAT 500L. Holy moley that thing looks like SpongeBob on an acid trip and the variant names are moronic. Who wants a car that’s an Easy model, Trekking is for Trekkies, and Lounge sounds like you’re going to fall asleep at the wheel and hit a tree. On second thought, maybe that would make the 500L look better…”

“Yeah, I don’t much like the Uglyman, er, countryman or the 4 door coupe,” retorted Gianni. “Why does BMW/MINI need to fill every niche that is out there to try to make that one last dollar?  That’s my biggest complaint, why can’t MINI be MINI and stay true to its roots?  Sell a 2 door coupe in Cooper and Cooper S trim and the wagon, since they sold them originally.  If you want to sell another model, how about a modern Moke?  That and I think the coupe has gotten ugly itself because of the EU pedestrian crash standards driving a tall nose and the current gen having proportion issues due to it sharing a BMW platform, and having been stretched to fit vs. the old generations having their own platform.”  “That FIAT 500L looks like someone pumped up a 500 with a bicycle pump,” concluded Gianni.

“Yep, just lovely,” K2 agreed. “Every now and then, a car comes along that is so mystifying and unexpected, yet hard to dislike because of the seemingly discordant yet fantastic elements that make up the car. For me, the newest car that’s like that is the Mercedes-Benz GLA45 AMG. Firstly, it’s a tiny wagonette and we all know how popular those are with Americans. Then they slap a body kit on this outrageously fast little buggy; all fine and good, so far. Maybe it’s a little young for M-B but that’s understandable; there’s nothing like a little flash for a little cash to get folks into the showrooms. But then we get to the wing on the roof. The Germans must have been smoking something particularly mind-altering because that thing is so out of place, so far out of character. It ought to come with a baseball cap meant to be worn backwards and baggy jeans that droop far below the waistline. Not to mention the bone-crushing suspension…what were they thinking?”

Yeah, I didn’t think drugs were legal in Deutschland.  I think the AMG engineers are in an arms race with the M engineers at BM, to make the most preposterous thing really fast.  It’s an extension of the Porsche 935 thing, “you can’t make a racehorse out of a pig, but you can make a really fast pig”.  That or they are watching too much Bravo TV.

Enjoying the conversation and ready for another cup of coffee? Join the discussion! Which new car do you think is hideous beyond belief?

Image sources: various via Creative Commons.