Sometimes a car comes to our attention not because it is a cool car, but because it comes wrapped in a funny advertisement and the invectives/hyperbole/nonsense normally reserved for our review are pre-written in the sellers own words. This particular ad is not only knee-slapping good times, but it is a great car at a fair price too. Find this 1987 Mercedes-Benz 560 SEL is offered for $2,750 in North Dallas, TX via craigslist. Tip from Ryan.
In the seller’s own words:
You have found the
most epic Mercedes-Benz from the 1980’s. The Mercedes-Benz 560 SEL sedan
— featured in Car & Driver, Motor Trend and named “Car of the
Year’ from Wheels Magazine — it was the top of the line luxury vehicle
that re-defined European automobiles. Oh, and I may as well add that it
won the “Safest Car of the Year” in 1987.
Yes, it was awesome. .
. and this one still is. Why? Because it is a 27-year old vintage
road-treasure that has seen four presidents, the invention of Al Gore’s
Internet and the rise, fall and death of Kurt Cobain. It’s old enough to
vote, get an MBA and Botox, travel around Europe and move out of its
parents’ garage. It also has about 237,000 original miles. I say ‘about’
since the speedometer stopped working at 222,060 miles — but why
should you care? Because that’s the mother-fucking distance to the MOON!
Yes. This car has basically been driven to and PAST the freaking moon
— THE ONE IN SPACE. Why do you need to even count mileage past that
point? It’s pointless. Because the point is, this car has courage,
tenacity, power and balls. . . balls of steel; German steel that is.
The seller continues…
also has the world-renown 8-cyclinder, Bosch KE-Jetronic fuel injection
steel German-built engine under its massive hood. It is huge and was
created to provide the kind of power it takes to propel this fortress on
wheels to 155 MPH. Haven’t been that fast? Yes you have, and you were
in a JET PLANE THAT FLEW IN THE AIR.
I have personally driven
this car from San Diego to Dallas on an almost non-stop road trip. The
steering wheel is big, fluid and offers just enough resistance and
connection to the road to give you the impression that you are not only
in charge of the car, but also of your entire life’s destiny. Driving it
for any distance is empowering and can make you feel you can go
anywhere. In fact, this car has plowed effortlessly through Death
Valley, dodged falling rocks in Arizona, stared into the depth’s of the
Grand Canyon and climbed mountainous icy hills in Colorado.
also has spontaneously raced against a 2008-ish 7-series BMW one very
late night somewhere along the North Dallas Toll Road. Neither car
received a ticket but one car and driver received an embarrassing loss
and lesson in total emasculation avoidance: spoiler alert. . . it wasn’t
Is there enough time to bring up zombies…
As for its recent history, this 560 was treated
for minor dents and flawlessly re-painted with the classic factory
‘Mercedes Blue’ in 2011. The body is tight and doors, windows and the
trunk all shut solid. The tires were also replaced and aligned in 2013
with 205/65R Pro Continental. It has the original stunning chrome wheels
as bright, stylish and reflective as Justin Bieber after a week in
rehab. The gaskets, hoses, and belts have been replaced along with a
full tune up, including plugs, and new head gasket. The radiator has
been flushed, sealed and re-filled along with a fresh injection of
Mercedes engine oil. In 2011, the universal lock system was repaired
along with the brake pads and lights. Up to this writing, it has been
stowed away safely in the VIP section of a basement-parking garage.
of the most outstanding features of this car is that it starts —
anytime, anywhere. Whether it’s 105* or -5*, F the car’s engine turns
over and roars to life with one simple twist of the key. There’s no
fumbling, cranking, pumping the pedal, stalling or waiting for the
zombies to come and kill you. Fact: This car would NEVER be featured as a
get-away-car in a zombie horror film because it would get you away from
whatever is trying to eat, dissolve, melt, vaporize, mate, shoot or
Speaking of films, this model shares a heritage of
fame and well-deserved celebrity. It is no accident that the 560 SEL was
featured in “Lethal Weapon 2” because it IS A LETHAL WEAPON of power
and timeless style. This may also be a good time to point out the car
made its appearance in “Die Hard: With a Vengeance” because that’s
exactly what this automobile does… it DIES HARD, which is why it
showed up AGAIN in “LETHAL WEAPON 3”. Are you getting it yet?? This is
all to explain why the 560 SEL was more likely to be fitted with
after-market bulletproof glass and armored body panels than ANY OTHER
CAR IN THE WORLD. Oh, Did I mention the back seat has a RELCINE mode?
Well, grab a Cuban cigar and glass of Macallan 25-year old scotch
because IT DOES.
More funny stuff…
Does the 560 use a bit of gas when you hit the
pedal? Does Mayor Rob Ford do heroin?! Of course it does! Highway
mileage may hit 15 MPG if you’re lucky and not towing an 18-wheeler, an
ESPN Satellite truck or small house (WHICH IT CAN DO). But the trade-off
for drinking premium gas like an SMU sorority pledge who just lost her
promise ring at a keg party, is the acceleration and speed you’ll feel
as you leave a carbon footprint the SIZE OF COWBOYS STADIUM!
the argument against that Leo DiCaprio Greenhouse gas nightmare is the
redesign of the S-class and that it gave this model a drag coefficient
of 0.36 increasing its aerodynamics by 10%. You probably don’t know what
any of that means and I really don’t either but it sounds AWESOME. And
with you, your kid, your wife and a mid-sized dog, and a full tank of
gas, you’ll weigh in over 4,200 lbs. That’s 2.5 Mazda2’s, 17 Vespas or
one white adult male Rhino. Here are other facts you’ll want to memorize
and throw out to the multitude of gawkers gazing at your remarkably
handsome vehicle as you fill up at gas stations around the planet. . .
– 5,160 mm in length — because size matters
– 5.5 litre, 5547 cm engine — dude, that’s heavy
– 300 PS / 295.5 bhp / 220 kW @ 5000 rmp — this means intense power
– 455 Nm / 336 ft. lb / 46.4 kgm @ 3750 rpm — this means serious torque
0 — 60 mph in 7.10 seconds — faster than a Smart Car zipping down the
Double Black Diamond slopes in Vail, Colorado in the middle of an
At this point, I’d like to mention that ‘torque’ has
nothing to do with the ‘urban definition’ as frequently referenced in
Comedy Central’s “Workaholics”… although racing 130 MPH down a
car-less, and careless highway at 3:00AM may give you a hard-on.
car also has the world’s first seatbelt ‘pretensioners’. What the hell
is that, you ask? It was the first-ever seatbelt device that kept
pretentious occupants from flying through the windshield in case of an
accident. Come on. It was the premiere S-Class car. “S” as in
“shit-kicker” and “stallion” and any other “s” word you can think of
that giveS thiS car the reSpect it damn well deServeS!
Still reading this?
particular model, the AC works as long as you fill it with Freon each
and every freaking summer. Alternatively, I’d suggest dressing cool and
opening up the huge sunroof to let God’s air cool you down. Seersucker
is a very cool fabric and a dripping of timeless style AND it looks
smashing with this car. During the winter, prepare to warm the flesh off
your buns with the seat warmers, which are tucked underneath the blue,
aged leather seats. Yes, the leather is worn, old and cracked. But so
was James Coburn’s face when he won a FUCKING ACADEMY AWARD in 1997 for
I almost forgot! The 560 SEL was designed by Bruno
Sacco — classified as one of the greatest designers in automotive
history! Look at his face and you’ll see sheer genius that instilled
FEAR in other European car manufactures.
This particular car
even comes with its own German mechanic who knows the car as intimately
as Tommy Lee knows Pamela Anderson. He’s also handsome and speaks with
an accent that is hard-to-place but would charm the DKNY pantsuit off
your mother. His number and contact will be made available after
purchase. What transpires between he and your mother is out of my
control. Just be prepared to accept a giggly collect call from Milan or
Still not convinced you need to own this magnificent
piece of highly refined German machinery? For less than the price of a
new iMac, you could be cruising down (or up) I-35 with the windows down
and cranking Starship’s “Nothing’s Going to Stop Us Now” track (BTW: #5
on Billboard’s Top 100 List in 1987) as the dusty wind from the 635
construction project whips through you hair. Oh and as long as it’s on
your iPod or iPhone because the original Becker Stereo doesn’t work. In
fact, it needs work on the interior and some other minor odds and ends.
If I were to keep it, I’d immediately get back to restoring it. But I’m
out of room for cars and I’m having a fight with my wife.
The seller does confuse Robert F. Kennedy with John F. Kennedy, but in his defense the seller was probably not even a twinkle in his papa’s eye when either Kennedy was still alive.
the LAST reasons you should own this car is that famed actor / director
John Frankenheimer (who personally drove John F. Kennedy to the
Ambassador Hotel on that fateful day AND screen tested to play James
Bond in “Dr. No.”) owned, loved, washed and raced the 560 SEL.
driven this car with untold delight and it has been unbelievably
reliable and a conversation piece that has led to and even developed
into new friendships. As for you… You now have now been presented the
gift to write the next chapter. Be the envy of young and old, rich and
poor, drug dealers and web developers. This amazing road yacht can be
yours for the small price of $2,750 in cash, Bitcoins or Gold
medallions. Don’t wait because someone WILL buy this car and drive it
PAST the Moon and onto MARS.
If you’ve read this far, then call
me to view and purchase. You won’t regret it. I’ll even throw in a pear
of Brook’s Brothers Seersucker shorts.