15k: Snowbird Sleeper: 1999 Cadillac STS, Turbocharged

At the intersection of dentures and drag radials  where AARP meets ARP head studs  is a beige on beige front-drive Caddy with a 70mm secret. Joining that big turbo is a long list of supporting modifications that wouldn’t look out of place on a Pro Street Camaro listing. With the stock 4.6-liter transverse-mounted Northstar V8, it all adds up to a staggering 650 horsepower at 21psi. Who needs head gaskets anyway? Find this custom turbocharged 1999 Cadillac Seville Touring Sedan for sale in Dayton, OH for $14,900 via craigslist. 

This kind of build raises a lot of questions, like “does it go down the drag strip 10 mph slower than it should, with the left blinker on the whole time?” However, if you’ve ever wanted to experience lag and heat soak in close frequency, here’s your education. The intake, intercooler, and the 70mm no-name turbo itself are tucked behind whole square yards of plastic comprising the front bumper. Bet you’ll think differently about those meshed, wide-mouth aftermarket bumpers hanging off of turbo Civics.

Don’t look to the wood veneer steering wheel for help when your mitts get clammy after peak boost arrives. Nothing in this cabin is built for the kind of performance this Seville is capable of. You’ll be pushed so deeply into the plush seats at full throttle, the steering wheel may be out of reach anyway. This would be a problem against abundant torque steer, which is supposedly absent here thanks to a limited-slip differential. I’ll believe it when I see it.

Watching the QuickRev video below sounds a bit like a Southern Baptist revival: “Gawwddd.” “Jesus!” and “That’s a terrible burnout, Mark.” Yeah Mark, get it together. But if you (or Mark) want a better burnout from another crest-and-wreath comfort cruiser, and you don’t mind giving up a few hundred horses, take your 15 grand and get an STS-V instead. Turning 11s in the quarter mile doesn’t require nearly this much fabrication, and you still don’t have to learn how to shift your own gears. 

See another car ready for a record-setting Metamucil run? Email us at tips@dailyturismo.com.

PhiLOL actually likes the tuna here, but abhors structural rust. Save the manuals.