If your usual recreational activities include driving around, bowling, and the occasional acid flashback, and your old green (with brown rust colorations) car was just torched by some Nihilists – then you may want to mix up a White Russian, limber up your mind and check out this 1973 Ford Gran Torino sedan. It’s just like, our opinion man, but it would make a nice cruiser and it’s on ebay in Charlotte, North Carolina at $8995 Buy It Now.
Making late night ransom handoffs would be a breeze in this baby. Just set your tape deck down next to you on that wide vinyl seat, put in some Creedence tapes, and go. Make sure you’re not throwing out a ringer for a ringer though, and if your passenger wants to roll out with an Uzi try to maintain control of the car and not smash into a telephone pole. We would stay away from using dirty undies (the whites) either, even though the ringer can’t look empty. Find something else, man.
Also we wouldn’t recommend dropping your J down between your legs, trying to put out the fire by pouring beer on yourself, then slamming into a dumpster. This is our concern, Dude. This car might come complete with Larry Sellers’ social studies homework – we can almost see it peeking out of the seat crack. His father was Arthur Digby Sellers – ever hear of a little show called Branded? He wrote 156 episodes. Bulk of the series, Dude.
When you’re headed down to the In-N-Out burger after the…what have you, you’ll appreciate that this thing has only rolled 65,000 miles past its odometer. Go have some burgers, some beers, a few laughs…your f***in troubles are over. Even though it’s tan with a brown vinyl top and doesn’t match the old green mobile exactly, it’s the same make, model and year so you know your bowling bag and baseball bat will fit in the trunk just fine. This car could determine who enters the next Round Robin, and we don’t roll on Shabbas. Shomer Shabbas.
I’m just gonna go find a cash machine…this is just too tempting. Not caring about anything sounds exhausting, and we hope this car doesn’t get burned to a crisp either, but remember those Nihilists are cowards. They haven’t fought in canopy jungle, eyeball to eyeball with Charlie. Now that’s a worthy adversary. It’s like Lenin said, you look for the person who will benefit, and, uhh…I am the walrus?
The Gran Tornio abides.
Am I wrong? Did we go over the line with this one? Mark it zero: firstname.lastname@example.org